Archive for May, 2008

Those Two Things You Have to Do!

Posted May 20, 2008 * Comments(15)

And no it’s not pay taxes and die! I’m talking about Weight Loss Must Dos, for me anyway! Last Friday I fell down seriously on my usual at least four 16oz bottles of water per day. I had a rough, busy day and didn’t get to eat right either, that was followed by a repeat of that kind of day on Saturday, and I was feeling like what the dog drug in that the cat wouldn’t eat! A bloated, fluid filled, mind numbed, icky,  awful feeling excuse for a human! Sunday I made some improvements but not many, I just didn’t have the energy or will to do anything, so I didn’t.

By Monday my senses had returned and I got busy guzzling the water, walking when I could, and eating sensibly. By bedtime I was still exhausted but feeling better. Today I woke still slightly foggy, but by the time I had consumed my third bottle of water, I was feeling good!!! Since then I’ve knocked back two more bottles and Wow, I’m feeling GREAT!!!

What a difference! I’m sure that improving my diet has helped but I honestly believe it’s the water that really makes the difference. A friend that lost weight many years ago on Jenny Craig, or one of those systems that supplies you with the food, told me when she was ready to go on maintance the counselor told her that the way to ensure her success was to keep up her walking program and continue to drink at least eight 8oz glasses of water a day. As long as she did, she maintained her weight, but when she stopped she started gaining. Her recommendation to me was if you want to be successful at losing it you have to do those two things, and if you want to be successful at keeping it off you have to do those same two things! Don’t get me wrong, I know that exchanging poor eating for good ones makes a big difference. You can lose weight by decreasing your calories, but if you want to feel good and speed up the results you need to have a regular exercise program and walking is the cheapest, easiest way to accomplish that, and drink lots of water to flush the muck out of your system! Your body is roughly 75% water and it takes a lot of water to keep it functioning well each day.

Your blood is the thing that moves all the waste products to their final destination, as well as delivering oxygen and all the essential nutrients that support the life of your body. When you move you increase the blood flow, so the good stuff gets delivered faster and the bad stuff removed faster. It’s what your body needs to really function well.

I can’t wait to go take another walk and chug another bottle of the magic weight loss elixir! Hope you are doing that too! 

What is going on here?

Posted May 20, 2008 * Comments(7)

Last night I couldn’t post anything on the forum or blogs. This morning the food journal is all screwy. I can’t add any new foods, I can only select from my custom list. Now I don’t have to blog or post but I really NEED that food journal cause otherwise I don’t know where I stand in calories for the day. I’m too lazy to track them myself, besides it’s not very much exercise to that! LOL

I’m feeling great other than the allergy misery. Hope all my buddies and Rockstars have a great day! Rockin On…Holly

Feeling a Bit Weary or Is It Carbbed or Just Emotional?

Posted May 13, 2008 * Comments(13)

I had a good day both food and exercise wise but tonight I’m really blah. It may be a night of poor sleep last night, combined with a busy day,  but I rather suspect it may be the big plate of spaghetti I had for dinner tonight.

And it may be at least partially that my honey and I are struggling to work out our relationship woes. We live in different cities about 8 hours apart. We both have busy jobs, he travels a lot, I go to school and have a very ill mother.  It’s not an easy option right now for me to up and move, and he just started a new job in January with a big promotion so it’s certainly not in his or our best interest for him to quit that job to relocate, but I think he is really suffering from loneliness in his new city.

Truthfully, I think I started to pull away a bit when he took that job, because I was a little worried that might be the end of us and I didn’t want to get hurt. Before he traveled a lot more and all over the states and up to the Artic, he would be gone for months at the time, working in the oil fields, but now he’s only gone a few days at the time to the oilfields of TX, LA, and MS. 

He has noticed the difference in me but hasn’t said anything until last night. He’s hurt and so am I, and neither one of us know what to do. I’m confident that in the long run, it will work out exactly as it should, but I keep reminding myself I can’t let it get me off kilter and maybe fall off the wagon!

I thought it was best just to go ahead and put it in writing so I can see it and keep it as a reminder, that eating is NEVER the cure for anything, not even true hunger, at best its a temporary fix for true hunger.

Guess I should hit the sack and try to get some rest, maybe tomorrow will look brighter in spite of the rain!

Rockin On Holly Rockstar

Able to Leap Brick Walls, It’s Rockstar Woman

Posted May 11, 2008 * Comments(10)

I’m pleased as punch to announce that the BRICK WALL in my last post was no obstacle for Rockstar Woman! I was formerly known as The One Pound Wonder, but when given the choice to fall back after hitting that wall or taking a running leap, I chose the latter, and cleared that wall with room to spare. I not only banished the one pound ceiling (nothing wrong with that, it is a SIGNIFICANT LOSS) but I went on to not only meet my goal loss for the week but exceeded it by one half pound for a total loss this week of 2.5 pounds! I would like to credit the brick wall with giving me even more reason to get in there and work extra hard the last day before weigh-in. Thank all my supporters and buddies who pulled for me and made me feel so loved and cared for you, I was right, you are the BEST.

Running into Brick Walls Gives You a Choice!

Posted May 10, 2008 * Comments(11)

I ran smack dab into an emotional brick wall yesterday. I guess I should have seen it coming but I didn’t even have a clue, and it sent me crashing downward at an amazing rate of speed. Heck a spiraling downward trip would have seemed like a luxury soak in the tub compared to this rocket ride!

Yesterday, I called my mom. First off, you know we don’t have much of a relationship, but I could always count on getting together at holidays, and at least pretending that it was a lovely family get-together, where mom is the center of attention and I’m allowed to be in attendance at the very least.

Anyway, I was surprised because she actually answered the phone, she rarely does when I call, and she was REALLY chatty! I thought, “Wow, this is great!” I was really enjoying talking to her. We chit-chatted about all sorts of things, and she never mentioned Mother’s Day, so finally I said, “What are our plans for Mother’s Day, are we bringing food to your house, or going out? That’s when I got cold cocked. She said, “No, Pam is making something for us to have and we will not go out because it’s so busy on holidays.” Then she rattled on about what Pam’s family was doing. She never said anything about me being invited to Pam’s house, but at the end of the conversation she said, “But, what I want is for you and I to go out to lunch sometime, just the two of us.” I said, “You always say that Mom but when I call you, you always have other plans, so you pick the date and I’ll plan to do it.” She said ok but of course she did not pick a date. Enough said.

I got off the phone and cried over my hurt feelings. That’s when the thoughts started to assail me. “Just go get you some lunch, you’ll calm down and feel better. You are so hungry and on edge because your blood sugar is low. You could get some nice Chinese, maybe that fried rice you love so much, or you could get….” You know those thoughts that bombard us when we are at a weak moment.

Thank goodness for the blog I wrote about desperate thoughts need a HEART check, because it helped to reinforce that I don’t have to be at the mercy of my emotions and problems. I can stop and think (HALT according to Christal, thanks girl, that is a great acrostic too!) and change my way of reacting.

And I’m so happy to report that I did not react in my old negative way yesterday. I reasoned with myself that stuffing myself would not make my mother love me. It would not do anything good for me, but rather it would just make me hate myself more in the long run and derail my effort to get healthy in mind, body and spirit.

I DO HAVE A CHOICE! I can’t change my mom, I can’t make her love me or be kinder, but I can change how I react to her poisoning of my system. If I fail, it is because I failed to put my health and happiness before that feeling of fullness that brings temporary relief that in the long run really adds more misery. I want to be kind and loving toward myself, I deserve better treatment, I’m worth the effort, and I have a whole herd of people right here on this site that care about me, and how I feel and want to spend time with me, so I will promise to lavish you guys with the love and devotion that I would like to give my mom. That will bring me good things instead of bad ones. A sense of love and respect from people who are good at building me up rather than tearing me down. Thanks Rockstars and slimmers, you are the very BEST!

The Story Behind the Blog

Posted May 10, 2008 * Comments(10)

This is a blog I had to write in order for the blog that I wrote earlier today, but haven’t posted yet, to maybe make more sense, in case anyone wondered what the problem was. You may not care about the problem I have with my mom,  and that’s ok with me. I also wrote it as an exercise just to get some of the bitterness and pain out of my system. 

Our story is long and tedious, so I will spare you most of the details, but the important ingredients are that I was a battered child and my mom was the aggressor. My dad was a career military man and seldom lived in the same place we lived. I was at the mercy of my mom most of my life. When my dad was home, things were different. She did not beat me, she still was not loving or affectionate but at least things were better. My dad was her life when he was home. She put everything she had into being the super wife.Sadly, I grew up being beaten physically and emotionally by this emotionally bankrupt woman, and forced to watch her bring in every child she could get her hands on from any source she could get them, be it neighborhood kids, her Sunday School kids, baby sitting jobs, etc. and love them and be affectionate toward them as if they were here very own children. 99% of the time they were boys because, as she ALWAYS told me, “Boys are better.”

After I was an adult with three children, she got her hands on a little girl in her Sunday School class, Pam, and eventually she got Pam’s mom to let Pam live with her and my dad. Pam became, and is, her world. Last year when Mom was very sick and I was sitting with her one night, I opened her Bible and started reading to while away the time. She writes in her Bible on the edges of the pages, its never about the content, but it’s sort of a snap shot of her life that day and what is meaningful to her. Pretty much every single reference is about Pam and her family. There are a few about my middle child, Jon, her favorite, and there is one reference to me and my daughter being in attendance at the tail end of the Pam and I story for that day, and there are no references to my oldest son.

When I came to the chapter where the story of David and Jonathan is, she wrote in the margin, “Pam is my Jonathan, when I saw her, it was love at first sight.” I already knew that was true, but it was like a dagger in my heart. It’s one thing to know it and another to see it in black and white, spelled out.

Words have immense power and the written word is even more powerful, because it’s a testimony for all time, even if you take your written words back, it does not erase them. They remain for anyone to see that you said it. It’s a reality and not just the imaginations of someone else’s mind. I can never go back to thinking that I’m just misinterpreting the situation and finding any solace in that thought. I have to face that truth and find new and better ways to cope with the fact that my mom doesn’t really love me like a mom should. I can’t say that she doesn’t love me, for I cannot see inside her heart, maybe, just maybe, there is some small place where a bit of love resides, but I know for sure I am not of much importance in her life and there is someone not even related to her that is. It’s a bitter pill and it hurts terribly, but I do know that it has nothing to do with me because it started at my birth, and everything to do with the wounded heart of a very emotionally unhealthy person.

I have managed to cope better and better with each passing year, and as my relationship with my Lord and Savior has grown. This is not meant to dishonor my mother, because I do love and respect her. She has taken care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. She has made sacrifices for me to have things when I was growing up, she is not a total failure as a mom. She is a human and she has faults and weaknesses just like everyone else. She also has good qualities that I admire and respect. Neither is this intended to glorify myself as the victim. There have been times when I have not been the best daughter either. I have my own set of faults and weaknesses. It’s an honest attempt to put into writing that thing that hurts and threatens my own well being from time to time. Bitterness held in has a way of infecting the holder, it’s better to spew it out and allow the Lord to sanitize the place it was with His precious love and care.

I doubt my mom will ever change. I’m glad that she has someone she loves and feels loved by. If it can’t be me, at least it is someone and she is not without love.

I have people who love me and I’m so thankful for them. They will never replace my mom or fix the need to be loved by her, but they certainly make life sweeter, and I choose to focus on that most of the time. At the times I don’t, I am thankful I have the love of God to bring me rest and comfort and peace from that hurt. He NEVER fails me but I do have to be open to His love, and thankfully He continues to supply me with the grace for that. He knows me best, and He knows exactly what I need at any given moment, and He clearly adores me and wants me to adore Him back. It’s a sweet deal. And that seems like a very good place to end this tale. I always love happy endings!

I Found My Ribs, or the Confessions of a One Pound Wonder Rockstar!

Posted May 3, 2008 * Comments(18)

This morning I got up and I just couldn’t resist getting on the scale to see how much that dreadful slip up at the China King cost me yesterday. (see last blog for the disasterous report!) It is my great delight that I am still down one pound from last week, so far (tomorrow is weigh in) and why I’m already conferring the title of the One Pound Wonder on myself, because this is three weeks in a row that I have a pulled a one pound loss. I know that’s not Biggest Loser great, but this is not a contest, I’m not going to win a trip to anywhere, nor will I win $250,000, so who cares! I’m going to win the battle of the bulge and possibly even my life, and the prize will be worth more than any dollar amount ever could!

Ok, so I digress, back to the story… I have to provide some baked goods for an auction at my church this afternoon, so I had to be up and out to the market for fresh blueberries bright and early. I put on my newest jeans (sleek sized 20s that I bought recently) and they were feeling VERY comfortable, like just before being TOO BIG!!! I went off to the market and as I walked along, I noticed I felt thinner, lighter stepped and sort of different! Then it happened…. I came face to face with myself in a mirror and I could hardly believe my eyes! I could see shape returning to my upper body! I felt my sides and sure enough, there they were…Ribs!!!! Once again I have ribs! How wonderful that felt! I think I strightened my shoulders and walked even taller and straighter than before!

When I got home I checked my mirror to be sure it wasn’t a mistake and it confirmed that indeed I am getting thinner and shape back to my upper body! Now the profile, that is another story all together! The belly is smaller for sure but it’s still sticks way out there and the weight that I’ve lost there has become a soft sagging roll of flab. UGH! But I choose to focus on and celebrate the return of my ribcage! I’m proud of this accomplishment!

I use to think that a one pound weight loss was nothing and certainly not worth the effort. That was before I came here to Buddy Slim. I read in a blog one day (and I apologize that I can’t give the author credit because I don’t recall) something about one pound weight loss, and when I pondered that a bit I came to see that it IS SIGNIFICANT weight loss! If you don’t believe me, then think of it as I did…what if I put a one pound block of butter on my neck, or hung it off the end of my nose, or perhaps pin it to the underside of my upper arms, you would say that was a significant sight wouldn’t you? I began to think of it as something totally wonderful and exciting! I’m proud to be a one pound wonder! After a few weeks of that I have actually found my ribcage again and that is progress!

Rock on you great bunch of slimmers! Keep taking those baby steps and you will find your dream!

Desperate Thoughts Need a HEART check!

Posted May 3, 2008 * Comments(17)

My day went well until dinner time. I had Chinese, which is one of my absolute favs and I overate. L I was so danged disappointed with myself. And to make matters worse, when I got home, I got on the scale, which I never do except on weigh in day, because I know that evil monster can make me so unhappy and obsessive by throwing up an undesirable number. It’s nighttime so I know I’m carrying 2-3 extra pounds than I am in the morning, so why would I want to upset myself more, who knows why we do the stupid things we do sometimes! And sure enough I didn’t like the read out and the first thing I wanted to do was medicate with food. I actually went to the kitchen and got our popcorn, and I’m not even hungry! I was thinking, “I need to get dressed and go pick up some soda, cause I feel all bloated and miserable“, when all of a sudden it dawned on me, I was letting one mistake make lots more, if I kept moving in that direction.

I said, “Girl, you are not even hungry, put that popcorn back in the cupboard, get yourself a bottle of water and go do your heart check!”

I’m a leader in a Christian 12 Step Program called Celebrate Recovery and tonight I was the presenter of the program. Would you believe it was on “Relapse”? Yep, it was! LOL just what I needed to hear as I told the big group of people all about it! God has a plan for me and it is for good!

Anyway, I want to share the HEART check with you. The acrostic for the lesson tonight was “RELAPSE” and the E stands for Evaluate. The tool we use to evaluate our physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual health is the HEART check and that is an acrostic for …Are you H-Hurting? Are you E-Exhausted? Are you A-Angry? Are you R-Resentful? And finally Are you T-Tense? Use this at least once a day!

If you find you answer yes to any of the above, you need to use Romans 12:3-17 (TLB) which says, “ Be honest in your estimate of yourselves….Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other….Be patient in trouble….Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honest clear through.”

I was able to put the popcorn away, get out a cold bottle of water and settle here in front of the laptop to spend some time with my friends who understand my struggles and offer me love, acceptance and encouragement. When I’m through here I will go and spend some time with the One True Love of my life, the One who NEVER lets me down or fails me…my Jesus! And I will spend it thanking Him for this site and my friends and buddies here. I will thank Him for yet another lesson in how to overcome the things that use to derail my efforts and for stopping it before the problem grew!

Night, buddies! I hope you have sweet rest tonight and a wonderful, successful weekend!

Holly Living on the Rock!