Running into Brick Walls Gives You a Choice!
I ran smack dab into an emotional brick wall yesterday. I guess I should have seen it coming but I didn’t even have a clue, and it sent me crashing downward at an amazing rate of speed. Heck a spiraling downward trip would have seemed like a luxury soak in the tub compared to this rocket ride!
Yesterday, I called my mom. First off, you know we don’t have much of a relationship, but I could always count on getting together at holidays, and at least pretending that it was a lovely family get-together, where mom is the center of attention and I’m allowed to be in attendance at the very least.
Anyway, I was surprised because she actually answered the phone, she rarely does when I call, and she was REALLY chatty! I thought, “Wow, this is great!” I was really enjoying talking to her. We chit-chatted about all sorts of things, and she never mentioned Mother’s Day, so finally I said, “What are our plans for Mother’s Day, are we bringing food to your house, or going out? That’s when I got cold cocked. She said, “No, Pam is making something for us to have and we will not go out because it’s so busy on holidays.” Then she rattled on about what Pam’s family was doing. She never said anything about me being invited to Pam’s house, but at the end of the conversation she said, “But, what I want is for you and I to go out to lunch sometime, just the two of us.” I said, “You always say that Mom but when I call you, you always have other plans, so you pick the date and I’ll plan to do it.” She said ok but of course she did not pick a date. Enough said.
I got off the phone and cried over my hurt feelings. That’s when the thoughts started to assail me. “Just go get you some lunch, you’ll calm down and feel better. You are so hungry and on edge because your blood sugar is low. You could get some nice Chinese, maybe that fried rice you love so much, or you could get….” You know those thoughts that bombard us when we are at a weak moment.
Thank goodness for the blog I wrote about desperate thoughts need a HEART check, because it helped to reinforce that I don’t have to be at the mercy of my emotions and problems. I can stop and think (HALT according to Christal, thanks girl, that is a great acrostic too!) and change my way of reacting.
And I’m so happy to report that I did not react in my old negative way yesterday. I reasoned with myself that stuffing myself would not make my mother love me. It would not do anything good for me, but rather it would just make me hate myself more in the long run and derail my effort to get healthy in mind, body and spirit.
I DO HAVE A CHOICE! I can’t change my mom, I can’t make her love me or be kinder, but I can change how I react to her poisoning of my system. If I fail, it is because I failed to put my health and happiness before that feeling of fullness that brings temporary relief that in the long run really adds more misery. I want to be kind and loving toward myself, I deserve better treatment, I’m worth the effort, and I have a whole herd of people right here on this site that care about me, and how I feel and want to spend time with me, so I will promise to lavish you guys with the love and devotion that I would like to give my mom. That will bring me good things instead of bad ones. A sense of love and respect from people who are good at building me up rather than tearing me down. Thanks Rockstars and slimmers, you are the very BEST!
Glad to hear you didn’t react by eating and I hope writing it all out helped.
You are exceptionally smart. I am really impressed how you worked that all out. Have a great day.
I love you Holly - you are such a positive force and I am si glad to have you as a friend. I am sorry about your mom!
Great Blog Holly, so proud of you. I dont know if I could have been as strong as you were. Rejection send me right over the food edge. You are such a sweet person, anyone who passing up an opportunity to share time with you will never know what riches they have missed. Thank God we on Buddyslim get to share precious time with you. -Dee
Oh guys! You sure know how to make Holly feel good with your encouragement and love!
Geez Holly, Your mom doesn’t know what she’s missing! Good for you figuring out what was going on in your mind….it would have been so easy to give in and comfort yourself with food. But you were so right, then you would have felt even worse. At least you have the satisfaction of knowing you handled the situation in a way that shows you have what it takes to succeed. Thanks for sharing, I hope to remember how strong you were and use it the next time I feel the need for ‘false comfort’.
Holly your mom is stupid…ok…that’s a little harsh…she is just plain dumb. I CANNOT imagine anyone NOT wanting to be with you all the time!
You are a bright light, a shining star! Gracious and beautiful! You give and give and give of yourself…Love, encouragement and goodness flow out out of you! You are an incredible woman and I feel so blessed!!!!! to know you! Although I have never seen you, or been with you…or met you in person…I LOVE YOU…like a long lost sister!
I am sorry your mom is…blind…but I see…and when I look at you…your fruit… I see LOVE!
Be blessed my sweet sister and hold you head high…you have nothing to be ashamed of…except maybe your mother’s behavior!
Oh Chrisie, my dear sis. How close you have become to my heart. It’s so wonderful to share the way that we do. You are a true treasure!
Holly, can’t you just feel the love from your fellow Buddies! I too have a rocky relationship with my mum and it can make life very difficult at times. I guess this site shows us we all have our problems but there’s always someone there for us when we need a shoulder to cry on. Take care hun x
I am glad you made a good decision. I am sorry your Mom is like that. ((hugs)) does she see how much sheis hurting you? My Mom is also center of attention person too. When I was a teenager I had Hell for alife…and I overdosed on tylenol. They had to pump my stomach, and I was laying in the ER covered in my own vomit. and my Mom came in crying and her first words were “I must be sucha terrible mother for you to do this” (Yes at this point she was never putting me first, making me live with a verbally abusive stepfather in a house full of screaming, wherwe I felt so unneeded and loed that i thought everyone would be better off if I was dead) but instead I laid in bed after that ordeal, comforting her and reassurng HER of what a great Mom she was. Because the whole thing was about her wasn’t it?
I am so glad you found a way to cope other than using food. I am sorry you don’t have the best relationship with your mom. I guess that is something I take for granted. You took a situation that could have meant weeks of undoing damage and you turned inward and found a way to correct it. I hope that made sense. Great job.