The Story Behind the Blog
This is a blog I had to write in order for the blog that I wrote earlier today, but haven’t posted yet, to maybe make more sense, in case anyone wondered what the problem was. You may not care about the problem I have with my mom, and that’s ok with me. I also wrote it as an exercise just to get some of the bitterness and pain out of my system.
Our story is long and tedious, so I will spare you most of the details, but the important ingredients are that I was a battered child and my mom was the aggressor. My dad was a career military man and seldom lived in the same place we lived. I was at the mercy of my mom most of my life. When my dad was home, things were different. She did not beat me, she still was not loving or affectionate but at least things were better. My dad was her life when he was home. She put everything she had into being the super wife.Sadly, I grew up being beaten physically and emotionally by this emotionally bankrupt woman, and forced to watch her bring in every child she could get her hands on from any source she could get them, be it neighborhood kids, her Sunday School kids, baby sitting jobs, etc. and love them and be affectionate toward them as if they were here very own children. 99% of the time they were boys because, as she ALWAYS told me, “Boys are better.”
After I was an adult with three children, she got her hands on a little girl in her Sunday School class, Pam, and eventually she got Pam’s mom to let Pam live with her and my dad. Pam became, and is, her world. Last year when Mom was very sick and I was sitting with her one night, I opened her Bible and started reading to while away the time. She writes in her Bible on the edges of the pages, its never about the content, but it’s sort of a snap shot of her life that day and what is meaningful to her. Pretty much every single reference is about Pam and her family. There are a few about my middle child, Jon, her favorite, and there is one reference to me and my daughter being in attendance at the tail end of the Pam and I story for that day, and there are no references to my oldest son.
When I came to the chapter where the story of David and Jonathan is, she wrote in the margin, “Pam is my Jonathan, when I saw her, it was love at first sight.” I already knew that was true, but it was like a dagger in my heart. It’s one thing to know it and another to see it in black and white, spelled out.
Words have immense power and the written word is even more powerful, because it’s a testimony for all time, even if you take your written words back, it does not erase them. They remain for anyone to see that you said it. It’s a reality and not just the imaginations of someone else’s mind. I can never go back to thinking that I’m just misinterpreting the situation and finding any solace in that thought. I have to face that truth and find new and better ways to cope with the fact that my mom doesn’t really love me like a mom should. I can’t say that she doesn’t love me, for I cannot see inside her heart, maybe, just maybe, there is some small place where a bit of love resides, but I know for sure I am not of much importance in her life and there is someone not even related to her that is. It’s a bitter pill and it hurts terribly, but I do know that it has nothing to do with me because it started at my birth, and everything to do with the wounded heart of a very emotionally unhealthy person.
I have managed to cope better and better with each passing year, and as my relationship with my Lord and Savior has grown. This is not meant to dishonor my mother, because I do love and respect her. She has taken care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. She has made sacrifices for me to have things when I was growing up, she is not a total failure as a mom. She is a human and she has faults and weaknesses just like everyone else. She also has good qualities that I admire and respect. Neither is this intended to glorify myself as the victim. There have been times when I have not been the best daughter either. I have my own set of faults and weaknesses. It’s an honest attempt to put into writing that thing that hurts and threatens my own well being from time to time. Bitterness held in has a way of infecting the holder, it’s better to spew it out and allow the Lord to sanitize the place it was with His precious love and care.
I doubt my mom will ever change. I’m glad that she has someone she loves and feels loved by. If it can’t be me, at least it is someone and she is not without love.
I have people who love me and I’m so thankful for them. They will never replace my mom or fix the need to be loved by her, but they certainly make life sweeter, and I choose to focus on that most of the time. At the times I don’t, I am thankful I have the love of God to bring me rest and comfort and peace from that hurt. He NEVER fails me but I do have to be open to His love, and thankfully He continues to supply me with the grace for that. He knows me best, and He knows exactly what I need at any given moment, and He clearly adores me and wants me to adore Him back. It’s a sweet deal. And that seems like a very good place to end this tale. I always love happy endings!
‘Words have immense power and the written word is even more powerful, because it’s a testimony for all time, even if you take your written words back, it does not erase them. They remain for anyone to see that you said it. It’s a reality and not just the imaginations of someone else’s mind”
This is unbelievable true - I tell the kids this all the time - words both spoken and written cannot be forgotten.
Please know that we love you Holly
You are so very, very strong. I can totally relate to the exact same hurt. What an amazing person you are to still be willing to offer love to your mother. I pity your mom - she is missing out on an obviously good and caring person. Have a great mothers day.
Holly, I commented on the other blog before i read this one…
now I just want to say again…your mom is blind!
I mean come on…everyone knows girls are better!!!! Sugar and spice and everything nice…just like you!!!
Love you! (but I don’t like your mom: )
You have a gift for making me laugh Chrisie Rockstar! Thanks for reminding me about the sugar and spice!
I just had a thought…but your mom is a girl…oh no there goes my theory…just kidding.
I was thinking…who rejected your mom? I am sensing a real root of rejection there…it came from someone…and she is still acting it out.
Was she rejected because she was a girl?
Rejection comes in layers…we are rejected, we reject others, we reap rejection, rejection becomes comfortable, we begin to desire rejection and then we create it.
Does that make sense? If so…it is an area you can pray about in her life and break that curse or rejection off of yours!
She maybe rejecting you because she rejects herself?
I don’t know who rejected her or why girls were not as good as boys. I know one of her older brothers was the favored on by her grandparents who lived with them, so maybe she felt rejected because she was a girl, I don’t know.
I have believed for a long time that my mom rejected me at birth because my dad was so crazy about me from birth. They had a deal that if I were a girl he could name me and if I were a boy she could name me. So he got to name me of course, but she got her own way by hook and crook, she called me by the name she choose for most of my life, and it was a boys name, Danny. She no longer calls me that but she never called me anything else until I was at least 18.
For some reason, I think she was jealous that my dad loved me because she couldn’t bear him loving anyone but her. I don’t know what happened to her but it scared her so very deeply.
You will never really know why, you can’t change her, and she still has the power to hurt you. You can forgive her, you can change how you react to her and you can take back your power. I was told years ago by a family counselor that no one can hurt you without your permission….that is so NOT true. But you can stay out of situations that allow it to continue. You are still trying to make her love you, not gonna happen so stick with the ones who do care. Remember that expression, don’t look in the rear view mirror if you want to go forward. Look ahead. Remember when only what you need to know so that you don’t make the same mistakes. Something said to a child can have such an impact. Once a cruel word has been spoken it can’t be erased from a tender heart. And by the same token, praise is something that will be taken out and treasured time and time again. Thank God you didn’t carry on the legacy of your mom, you sound like a loving and caring person. I think lot of us with a void in our lives try to fill it with food, and it just makes us feel more unloved. Keep up the good work on your weight loss, looks like you are doing really well.
What a thing to have to carry. I wonder whatmakes people be the way they are. I am sorry you were never given the love you clearly deserve.
I came over your story qui casually, and it touched me deeply, because me too had a very cold relationship with my mother, who is no more with me now. Sadly, I don’t think she will change, and I agree with Chrisie when she says that, deep down, she is probably rejecting herself (and someone for sure made her feel unloved and useless, as this kind of behaviours tend to be repeated) But someone of the age your mother probably is will never admit that. Good girls of her time don’t do that ( that’why boys are better, they are not emotional, which is not true, either)